ばかばかしい。。。

going on

Tue, 05 May 2009 11:34:51 GMT

24 for two months now. Or something like that.

Always, I'm thinking of what I've done, what I haven't done. It's a bottle that never runs dry, steal as I will from other clichés. To reflect on shortcomings, and do nothing about it. Etc., etc.

But am I any less happy or unhappy than the rest of you the same age as me, who did or didn't do children, college, marriage, stay at home, or the other top ten things people tend to be defined by in modern society?

Seven months after my friend's death, I still think of him, am reminded of him every day, living every day in fear that it's the day I forget the sound of his voice, the extremity of his off-color humor, that certain feeling his very existence gave me. I can't help but wonder, if it's all fueled by regret, or guilt, or some weird kind of platonic love that never surfaced in conscious thought before he left. Or am I just clinging to his memory in some poor excuse of not wanting to go on and do something productive, useful, meaningful to anyone but myself?

I've become a pathetic kind of person. I sleep between 2-4 a.m., wake at 10-11 am, but keep going back to sleep often not actually getting out of bed until 1-3 in the afternoon. Phil asks me to dress myself in outfits bought from sex shops. I don't know if he wants me to just walk around in them or expect extracurricular activities while wearing them. Sex is boring. Hateful even. Your body, the sheets, the Jezebelle wrappings become filthy, the contraceptives make it all unproductive and futile. There are so many things wrong, most of them financial. I don't tell anyone of course. It's a doing and undoing, coiling, lying in wait to pounce and shatter.

I'm churning in my own broth of self-hate and apathy. Whether the way is to stay here or go away, I haven't bothered to see. Part of me wants to just stay, since it requires little effort, and the rest of me wants to just graduate college, and move away, where I don't know anyway, and can eventually pass away into obscurity. Relationships are annoying and burdensome at best.

What is this feeling, where I want to just fade away?

This is all so stupid. This dithering language is so... so incomplete... so inadequate to express the frustration, the exhaustion, the rabid anger welling up in my mind; confined by this flimsy mortal coil, I am doomed to a life I must give meaning to.

I'm tired. And I haven't even done anything.

I need to find a fucking job. You'd be surprised how much shit you don't think about when you are employed. I'm so glad I went to high school. At least I can partially express myself in a grammatically correct, dictionary-enlightended sort of manner; and with the aid of the intarwebs, there is the semi-gratified knowledge that there are thousand, and millions of other emokins out there, festering in self-induced misery.

nsfw

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 09:05:29 GMT

condoms

haha.

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:50:22 GMT

chu-chus rocket

some dumb commercial about a dreamcast game. funny for some reason.

today

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:51:36 GMT

finals today. very boring

finished the micro econ final in about 30 mins. other peons still slaving away.

ha ha ha.

stuck here until 12:30 when accounting starts. hope i can blow through that final as well.

big plans for following month.

play wow until eyes bleed. get books for next semester.

maybe get irl job.

phil built himself a new computer. also bought some RAM for mine. 1gb < 3gb. very nice now. wow does not lag like a bitch.

can't put rabbit out in grass lately. ground too muddy. is therefore pissed at me. hates peeing on concrete. have to wash it down every day. very annoying.

hungry :(
maybe eat breakfast?

Just a little more

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:45:18 GMT

One piece of chocolate
One more minute
One more sip
One more song
One more homework
One more block
One more
One more
One more

I leave a lot of stuff unfinished. Instead of 'just a little more' its more like 'just a little bit'. Like when the clothes get left forgotten in the wash for a week... so then you have to wash them again. When you start a project, get hungry, and forget about it by the time you are done eating.

I haven't really accomplished much of late.

1. Getting homework done. Almost have A's in all classes (bumping at 89% in every one :\)
2. Reading a shitload of mature type manga (女性。。。one called うさぎ-Drop that is actually really good)
3. Eating so much halloween candy i can't sleep at night

Things are not looking better for the future. I am projected to start WoW back up. I was almost clean for 4 months. Well, whatever.

For the Horde.

...

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 19:16:54 GMT

Sex is unsatisfying. In media its like awesome. In real life its very meh.

Will be seeking refund for unsatisfying recreational procreation activites. Intend to inform if such place issuing refunds are found.

Man I am starving. It's at that point where your stomach starts going RRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRAWR
Everytime it does that, I think of how I learned in physics (of all things...) that the sound is caused by the digestive organs scraping against themselves. So why the hell does your stomach make that terrible sound when it's full of water?

I dunno. All I can think of atm is the lack of good paper at home, and the lack of anything in my stomach.

Go home & eat = (^w^)b
RTB possibility = 00%

P=MR

Totally not thinking on a higher plane today. Welcome to bottom of needs pyramid :\

Have you...

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 09:16:48 GMT

... read this, D? (It's WS... but it might eat up a whole day if you haven't read it already >_>)

www.onemanga.com/Kagen_no_Tsuki/

Microecon...

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 06:52:34 GMT

can suck my nonexistent dick.

How the hell am I supposed to know if hiring people for research positions is more of a long term decision than implementing robotic production machinery?

People are disgusting, so I guess I'll go with robots.

I don't know if D or N have heard or play Command & Conquer (3). As the title suggests, it's about combating the Communist threat. Anyway, the latest installment features a lot of great actors, and some short 'commercials', best of which are Ackerman as US President, and his slogan...

Screw'em All

The Kodiak bears, and attack dogs, and the dolphin in his campaign logo are all units in CNC3 (the bears are fucking OP and the dolphins are just recon units I think). Yes, he is also part of the Law & Order cast. I don't recall which one... maybe VC.

If you enjoy the trailers, however, I recommend the ones with George Takei. They're pretty awesome, especially the one where he 'pities a fool'.... And Kelly Hu is 40+. wtf.

so i sold...

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:54:15 GMT

... my copy of FFX on half.com. for 7$. Probably would have got like... $1 if I traded it in to Gamestop or something faggy like that.

Its not really a phenomenal game, imo. Main character is annoying, most of the supporting characters are annoying, the story is barely interesting. Really the only superbly awesome part of the game, in descending order, Blitzball, Auron, and those retardedly hard minigames to get the ultimate weapons (which I have not, and I suspect... never... will complete).

The graphics were great, though. The sphere grid was less than interesting. It felt like Pokémon, and foreshadowed later FF installments where you basically give the same abilities to every fucking character, and the only difference remaining is what they look like, and the single attack you choose to have that character spam in battle (a lá FF12... where everyone autoattacks... and everyone heals...). Still, it was pretty well balanced. Not that anyone who read this far really cares.

Definately should have been more chocobos.

That scene with Tidus and Yuna in the water... totally a sex metaphor.

That's enough for now I guess. I cut my nails yesterday, so I am not used to actually using my fingers for typing. It got to that point where, you know, they're a quarter of an inch long, and you are tapping the keys with the tips of your nails instead.

Things to do:
1. Prevent WoW jonesing. Wrath releases in... 14 days? Not like I can afford it anyway.
2. Eat something.
3. Put my penguins on dA.

ORLY

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 22:18:37 GMT

I was asked to pass this on. About a 5 minute videoclip. Has a bunch of star wars posters, Nancy!

"Wow. Holy shit. Did one dude really do all that? KENT B."

:(

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 19:04:53 GMT

I'm starving and I forgot my wallet at home.

I don't think there's anything to eat at home, either.

It Isn't Very Funny.

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:25:35 GMT

An American, a German, and a Japanese guy wanted to start a business.
To make the startup efficient, they delegated different processes to each person.
The American says, "I'll find us clients, no problem!"
The German says, "No worry, I will set us up the manufacturing."
They turn to the Japanese guy and say "You will be in charge of supplies." and he agrees.

A while later, they have a short meeting.
American guy says, "I found us some great clients."
German guy says, "Manufacturing is ready to go!"
They turn to the Japanese guy and ask, " How are the supplies?"
To which he responds, "Oh, supplies is ready. Meet me later at my home."
To which the American and German agree.

They enter the house and it is dark.
Suddenly, the Japanese guy pops out and screams "SUPPLIES!!!"

Its a shitty joke. Indeed. Yarly.

But in accounting classes and econ classes, it makes it not so shitty. Because when the professor is like 'Well in this particular transaction between XYZ Corp. and Client Billy Bob, what accounts get hit?' 'SUPPLIES'

No, it's still not funny.... heh.

Uh

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:09:29 GMT

Holy fucking shit.

I thought it was the 7th or some shit. 15th already?! :(

HOORAY US STOCK EXCHANGE -500 POINTS :O

mentally dental hygiene

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:07:01 GMT

I'd forgotten about it, but a week or two, among other content, I dreamt that all my teeth were gradually falling out.

I'd be doing stuff, fighting, talking, walking, some other boring activity, and in the happenstance that the lower jaw rises to meet the upper jaw... I can't describe the vivid pain as the broken roots of the dislodged tooth rise up in symphony with that lower jaw, excelling as they do at that stabilicious stabbing of raw gum and exposed nerve. (I don't understand how I remember what that all should feel like. Very similar to when you lose your baby teeth; some just fall right out, some do it when you're eating... and some break into shards and get happy with the stabby.)

I think I had maybe three or four teeth left before I finally woke up. I suspect it was another FF type dream, I have a hunch the detoothification was due to makoro poisoning.

I.am.still.playing.the.same.game.after.eleven.years.

Other news... next xpac release date for WoW is unveiled. November. I sense dangeroux times ahead.

I will probably postpone a purchase until December, after finals this semester, half so I can not fail for once, and half so I can sit down for three days in a row and just get leveling done all at once.

PS - I am still alive.

an exercise in futility

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 17:02:08 GMT

So... I had this crazy paradigm revelation at 4 am, while attempting to sleep, and worrying over some $130 matter well out of my control.

Then I went to sleep.

And... I can't remember a thing.

I checked at the beginning of this post, to see if there was an adjective form of paradigm, suspected there wasn't, and found none. But we'll all sleep better knowing this Japanese publishing company is also Paradigm.

Eventually the class I did the powerpoint for earlier... I did ace it. Probably the first A in what... three years?

... That'll do pig... that'll do. /pat
:\

procrastination

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:45:54 GMT

so... i did a powerpoint, which was a group project. it was due at the beginning of class, and i emailed it to the professor 1/2 an hour after the class started. so it's doubtful if he will even take a look at it, since it'll take him a whole hour to go through the other presentations.

i dont even know who is in my group, or their names, other than the asian dude... sad.

so. i turned in the group project late, and probably won't even show up for class. no idea what to tell group members next class.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:04:06 GMT

Long time no post ;|

Was watching Escalflowne... it still seems the same. But funnier some how.

1. Hitomi - ew manchild.

2. Allen -you manwhore you. /wibble

3. Delandau - LOL

sleeps

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 19:13:31 GMT

Had a weird dream last night. Something about supernatural powers and returning from the dead and shit.

I swear my dad was still on pot when i was conceived. it's the only explanation ;|

Ahh and i lost my purse. bummer.

Heh.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 18:31:42 GMT

http://www.break.com/index/the-history-of-lol-cats.html

The clip is so-so, but in that 'silent insane laughing you pull a muscle from' kind of so-so. A combination of having seen every lolcat picture, and realizing it's actually posted by G4. lol.

The Beautiful(ly Stupid) Blow-up Dolls

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:21:01 GMT

http://ktla.trb.com/news/ktla-trainheels,0,2991355.story?coll=ktla-promo-layout

I was digging around for some info on the local fires. And failed.

But it's good to know that the local TV station website has some enlightening text on the modern woman.

Word is, she wears stilettos everywhere she goes, gets her heels stuck in everything except her own eyesocket, and occasionaly gets a broken/twisted ankle and sometimes whacked by a train.

(I think the boots I bought are a wee bit too small. They're flats. My pinkie toe feels a bit pinched :< )

condom song

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:34:52 GMT

Indian PSA. Strangely, it's mostly WS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTLj_3R0-2g

In other news, teh fires came really close. Like, I live in North Tustin, 5 miles south of Jamboree and Chapman, and about/less than that same distance from Jamboree and Tustin Ranch Road. Santiago fire literally burned at the ass of the Fire Authority (located right at Jamboree and Tustin Ranch), before they pulled trucks from Portola and came up here. It jumped the 214 toll road (or is it 241? I never fucking pay attention to that), and proceeded to consume both wild flora and city planted flora right up to the street itself. Took about 10 minutes to burn the slope towards us, since the winds were in cahoots.

Point of story? Women take important things, like house/car deeds, insurance papers, and clean underwear. Men take... all the large electronics and every damned video game. Sigh.

Other stuffs need update? I still don't know what I'm doing in college. i think I'm going to give up and major in business, or get qualified to be a CPA (Whatever that entails I guess). I may well end up being a housewife after that, but who knows. I'll ask the rabbits later.

Work still sucks. Very underpaid, and very unproductive. The old 'paralegal' quit. She told us she was going to work in the courts in Norwalk or something retarded like that. We found out two weeks later through ex employees that she had actually gone to work for another Orange County lawyer... who doesn't like liars. Anyway, fast forward three months. They hate her and want her out as much as we did when she was with us. She argues with the clients (read that... wastes hours of the client's & office's time, which the client pays for. Good game.), fails to get along with anyone else, and apparently can't do 90% of the things she said she could do in the inital interview. Score!

So now there's a new attorney in the office. She's turned out to be one of those ungodly particular people. You ask her to check your work, she says it's okay, you proceed to finish, then turn in, go home. She proceeds to find it faulty, and you end up redoing it 10 times (so far). Fortunately she's hired her own paralegal, who is now redoing it. Score!

Life has no purpose but to be. And being is good.

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 16:08:11 GMT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=exgpW2_MbRM

Heh. I couldn't stop laughin' when he hit the desk.

for nancy.

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 23:29:35 GMT

parts here and there are NSFW. rest of it is pretty meh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spKBO1sXYOU

this one's a little lame.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byMClFz6w-w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrfxB0f5ARU

some ads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uI5aXgxzw6Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTRq0ZxSS3M

... Jedi?

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 21:54:34 GMT

>_>

http://www.statistics.gov.uk/CCI/nugget.asp?ID=297&Pos=&ColRank=2&Rank=1000

for nancy.

Thu, 17 May 2007 05:41:01 GMT

http://onemorelevel.com/games.php?game=229